Horoscopes

Horoscopes. Let’s just pretend that I’ve kept up with this and have been doing them each week. Whatever I would have predicted will have happened to you whether I predicted it or not so you haven’t really missed out.

Cancer

Mercury has stopped, sat down, and is considering how lucky it is to be alive. Maybe it’s time to do the same, unless your life sucks of course.

 Sagittarius

Venus says cut the red wire! But can you trust a planet that spins the wrong way round? Tough call.

Aquarius

Don’t hold your breath, it’s not going to happen any time soon. Unless of course what you were waiting for is to read this, in which case breath holding may have been appropriate.

 Aries 

Wishing you hadn’t started writing a certain blog because you now have trouble finding the time to do it every week? That’s Saturn’s fault. Damn you Saturn.

Scorpio

If you haven’t got a bike, get a bike. Jupiter saw you on one the other day and reckons you looked fantastic. And he knows, he’s a big, big planet.

Sagittarius

They sit wearing hard hats and sniggering at you from their glass and wooden houses. Well, those that live in glass houses shouldn’t annoy birds. Boinggggg.

 Gemini

Coincidentally Gemini and Sagittarius have exactly the same chart this week. What a wonderful coincidence for the poor guy that has to make this up. I mean, has to work this out. Basically, see above.

 Virgo

Mercury says, ‘Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say “YES”!’ I think we can all learn from that.

Taurus

While the weather is nice it is probably a good time to check your roof. If you don’t have a roof check someone else’s. If you did have a roof but don’t seem to have one anymore it is probably too late. Says,er, Pluto.

 Leo

Cantankerous Goose bundle. I think we all know what that means.

 Libra

Mars has decided to get itself a whole new wardrobe. ‘Red is so the last 4.6 billion years’ she states. As Mars is currently a powerful player in your chart maybe you should try it too, a nice pink balaclava can’t fail to help your chances of pulling.

Pisces

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

If it’s your birthday

Woopty, doo. You got older, someone get this guy a medal. Bah, this country.

I imagine in the absence of these horoscopes most of you will have been unable to cope with life and become hermits. Oh well, more for the rest of us.

Cancer

Don’t touch it! Seriously, don’t touch it. The last one I saw like that looked all friendly until someone touched it and It swallowed an entire block of flats. Come to think of it though, Saturn is currently swinging by the south side, taking in the sights and sending postcards to the other planets so you’ll probably be fine.

 Sagittarius

Mars is trying to tell me something about you, but the signals are scrambled. I can’t quite pin it down but I’m pretty sure that either you are going to win a big pile of cash or you’re going to be hit by a bus. Either way a substantial life insurance policy couldn’t hurt, unless it fell on you from the top of the Eiffel tower of course.

Aquarius

 These.Are.Just.Words. Jupiter knows that, and you should too. After all Jupiter is inanimate. These however aren’t words: 1, 4, 7, 6, 45. remember that. Finally, this is both: 55378008. Cool? Cool.

Aries

 Jupiter is angry, very angry. Raging with fury! All of its little moons are grumpy that someone appears to have changed the opening tune to Thomas the Tank Engine. It’s keeping the little rocky blighters awake at night. If you are an Aries, and it’s your fault, hide.

Scorpio

Something has changed at work, maybe the coffee that they are serving or possibly a move of desk. Whatever it is don’t let it get you down. Embrace the challenge, soak up the new atmosphere, feel the new you. If that doesn’t work, chat to your friends whenever you get the chance and listen to the cricket for the rest of the time. Howzat for advice?

Sagittarius

Mackerel! Hilarious! Mackerel, draining it he was. I know, I know. Brilliant. Wish I’d been there.

 Gemini

Noot aa singl on off thesee wods iss wright. Noot aa singl on. Itss maazin tht nt onee iss corect. Plutoos faullt.

 Virgo

Mercury is eyeing you up suspiciously this week, he thinks you may have ‘looked at his bird’. He’s always like this after he’s been on the booze. The thing is Pluto is quite big and will take approximately 565 years to sober up. Good luck.

Taurus

I sense that the thing you have been waiting for these last six weeks is finally here. The pull of the planets is thus that it will soon appear. Yes, I can confidently say that the famous Grinbin Gardening blog will soon return. Oh yes.

 Leo

Congratulations, you are today’s millionth Taurus. You have won an Ipad. Just click this link.

You have Won!!!

 Libra

Venus does not like that dress you’re wearing. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. But don’t feel lonely, Uranus feels your pain.

Pisces

There’s a Moose, loose aboot this hooose. Da, da, da, daaa, da, da, da, da, da, daaaaaaa, da, da, arrggggghhh, its got me cornered……thud.

If it’s your birthday

Gratz. Although at your age I’d be most surprised if you still look forward to birthdays. More of a count down than a count up these days. Hello, hello? Oh, you’ve nodded off. Nice slippers.

Cancer

If early in the morning, just as day is dawning, you feel you are a very happy man you make me suspicious and everyone else. Get yourself miserable, pronto.

Sagittarius

Saturn is floating through your chart and for this next week only chocolate cake, beer and chips count towards your five a day. Time to get seriously healthy.

Aquarius

Jupiter is sloping about in your garage so now might be a good time to service the car, I wouldn’t suggest you do it yourself though, a planet with a mass of 1.9 x 10²⁷ kg can get right in the way when you’re trying to pull out the air filter.

Gemini

Gemini, semini! That’s what they’re all thinking. Well you show them! Show them the dictionary to be exact, semini isn’t a word.

Aries

Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself, there isn’t always someone to help you out of the chair.

Virgo

They say everyone’s got a book in them, unfortunately in your case it is only because your mother fed you one as a child.

Scorpio

Mercury has a secret, a secret about you, and yesterday it told me what it was. I can’t believe it personally, I’m pretty sure they don’t make them that big. Take extra care in the kitchen this week, especially when making a brew, Jupiter is spinning the other way round just for a giggle and this could make you clumsy. You might even bash your hand.

Taurus

Unusually the alignment of the planets this week is not affecting you in the slightest. You will just have to base your decisions on a different, entirely unbelievable, method. Scientology is a giggle.

Leo

Mercury is rising and powering up your arms, today might be a good day to play with your Frisbee. You always have been one hell of a tosser.

Libra

Pluto, the planet of being a bit nuts for no reason, is all powerful this week. Why not sleep in a cupboard, have breakfast at dinner time and fill your shoes with custard? If you don’t I will, and yes I do know where you live.

Pisces

I saw a man at the side of the road holding a ‘London’ sign get hit by a bus heading to Victoria coach station. It was the way he’d want to go.

Capricorn

One of the planets is shining down luck on you this week. I tell ya what go buy a scratch card and if you win we’ll go halves. Deal?

If it’s your birthday

It’s your party so cry if you want to, cry if you want to, cry if you want to. I would cry too if I were you.

and so you’re back, from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed my stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me!

I will survive, let’s see if you’re gonna.

Scorpio

Venus flowing through your chart suggests we may soon hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, may be a good idea to put the pest control number on speed dial.

Virgo

It’s the start of a new year and Mercury grinning at you amiably suggests it could be a good one. Pick your clothes up off the floor, clear out your wardrobe and generally get your ass in gear. This advice is especially appropriate if you’re a pole dancer.

Sagittarius

Pluto is pushing you this month, giving you the strength and willpower to give up. So if you smoke, now’s your chance. If you don’t smoke now’s a good time to start for a week or so then stop instantly, just to show off your amazing willpower to your friends.

Gemini

I once had a tortoise, it was called Toddles. What with Saturn’s current situation and Jupiter waning I’m sure you can see the relevance of that information.

Aries

If you’re happy, like super happy, and loving every second I suggest you do not, under any circumstances look in that strange package that has appeared in the under stairs cupboard.

Capricorn

Mercury is currently poking about in your bins which, obviously, can only be good luck. If you are considering buying a lottery ticket I suggest you do so on Wednesday or Friday, because that’s when the draw is.

Cancer

As you finish off the last of the roses, devour the last chocolate biscuit or finish off the Christmas booze take a look at yourself and think, time to go to the shops I reckon.

Aquarius

Obviously I can’t do this forever, so it is time to begin training my daughter in the art. To start her off she is going to do this one: rrrfrn8788iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffgikthhello bertie thbbis is how you do ttyphyiufnj. Poignant words, I’m sure you agree.

Taurus

When the onion gets soft add mushroom and black pepper and cook for five minutes over a gentle heat. Chop liver and mushroom pieces while cooking so that they look like mince. Add to the onion and cook for a further 10 minutes. Remove from heat, taste, then phone the takeaway. You never were much of a chef.

Leo

If you jump in muddy puddles it is generally advisable to wear your boots or, if possible, someone else’s. Then they can do the cleaning up, suckers.

Libra

With the planets aligned as they are in your chart this year is basically a write off, especially considering the state of Uranus. Close all the curtains, unplug the phone, get a nice comfy chair and sit in it until it’s all over.

Pisces

With Mars, the planet of trickery, dominating your chart it is fairly certain that the next three things you are told will be lies. It is up to you if you include this sentence as one, it’s too confusing for me to work it out.

If it’s your birthday

New year, new age! Let’s hope you get a new attitude as your current one sucks.

Scorpio

It is time for you to stop hovering at the back and step into the limelight. You’ve always looked better bathed in green. Oh, on another note, avoid any broken gates, they’ll have ya!

Virgo

I’m spinning around, get out of my wayyyy. Says Jupiter after a few to many Bacardi breezers. Probably best do as he says.

Sagittarius

It’s nearly Christmas. Go buy things. Go spend money you can’t afford on pointless tat that no one wants anyway. I hate Christmas. Do you? Says, er, Saturn.

Gemini

Ding, dong merrily on high? You can get arrested for that. Put it away this instant.

Aries

Boing! Said Zebedee. He may have a point.

Capricorn

Presents bought. Food prepared. Decorations up. Cards sent. Family invited. Games planned? Well aren’t you Mr clever, clever. Doesn’t make you any friends you know.

Cancer

Go on, just hit it with a hammer. If it is still no good hit it with a bigger hammer. Still bad? Hit it with the biggest hammer! Says Mercury. But Mercury would do, he owns a hammer shop near you.

Aquarius

Move slightly to the left. A little bit more. That’s it, you are now a perfect human specimen. Just don’t move ever again.

Taurus

That button had ‘do not press’ on it for a reason! Oh well don’t worry, it’ll grow back.

Leo

All the planets are aligning in your chart sending tiny wisps of solid joy in your direction. At least you’ll have an excuse for those little whimpering noises you make every morning on the train.

Libra

Neptune is adamant that you need to do something in the new year, something important. Something vital to your happiness; Get yourself up to Bishop Burton every Wednesday between 19.00 and 20.00. Oh, and wear yellow.

Pisces

You and Uranus sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G. Impressive flexibility.

If it’s your birthday

Gutted. So near to Christmas! Only one set of pressies for you.

Scorpio

Pluto is wandering round at the back of the solar system looking very sheepish and avoiding eye contact. I think it may fancy you, this week could be your big chance to make love to a planet.

Virgo

According to your charts, buying a lottery ticket last week would have almost guaranteed a lottery win. But you didn’t buy one, did you? Do I have to tell you everything!

Sagittarius

Mars is spinning like hot cakes this week, pulling your self esteem up to amazing heights. Unfortunately it is doing the same thing to your hair. Try not to walk under any ceiling fans. Or Millwall fans for that matter.

Gemini

Go on. Drag it out of the back of the wardrobe, dust it down, stick it on, get out there and party! Everyone loves a woman wearing a suitcase.

Aries

Try not to get too carried away with getting your house up to an inhabitable standard, otherwise you’ll completely forget to do the horoscopes for last week.

Capricorn

Car one, suspect in flight, running down Herbert Street carrying a bkssssshhhhh wearing a black hoodie. Please bkshsssshhhhh chase. Over. Bkssssshhh so make sure you wear some! Sorry, bit of radio interference there.

Cancer

Pregnant? Excellent. Just remember: One in the hand is worth two in the bush. Or so the midwives say.

Aquarius

Jupiter is suggesting you pull down those walls you put up, and get out there! But, Jupiter isn’t a builder.

Taurus

If everyone at work is getting at you, saying you are incompetent, or talk too much, or are always late or generally don’t know your arse from your elbow just let me know. I don’t want to accidentally employ you.

Leo

I’m spinning around, move out of my way I know you’re feelin’ me ’cause you like it like this, says Saturn, doing a little dance.

Libra

Er, I don’t think so. Do you?

Pisces

Never before, have so many, owed so much, to someone. Not really sure who. But based on the current financial crisis somebody somewhere must be owed a fair packet. Fiver a week do, mate?

If it’s your birthday

Want to make it a party to remember? Easy. Pass the ‘pass the parcel’ parcel round anticlockwise. They’ll never forget ‘that nutter ……..’ . Please fill in your own name.

Nothing happens to anyone this week.

If it is your birthday, it’s going to suck.

Aries

Saturn would just like to say…..Whizzzzzzz. Sorry  you missed it, there’ll be another next week.

Scorpio

You wait around ages for one then two come along at once. They’re like buses, taxis. Except slightly smaller.

Virgo

Mercury has moved into your chart and has an important health and safety warning; If it’s slippery walk careful, if it’s grippy run! If it’s slippery down one side and grippy down the other run with one leg and walk with the other. Obvious really.

Sagittarius

You know the whole point of the exercise I assume. You know what this week is all about? Could you explain it to Geoff please, he really doesn’t have a clue.

Gemini

It is the perfect opportunity. You’ve been wanting to for years but felt too guilty and self conscious. But now you can, you’re free! You can do it! Grow that damn tash, it’s all for charity.

Capricorn

I’m sure it’s the red wire. Cut the red wire..no wait the blue. It’s the blue. What do you mean there’s no blue? That’s not fair. Surely criminals know they have to colour code their bombs by law? Some people. They’ll be starting to shoot straight in chase scenes next.

Cancer

It’s all behind you now. I suggest now might be a very good time to turn around.

Aquarius

Jaffa cake; biscuit or cake? Jupiter may know, but so far he’s not telling. I can tell you one thing though, they’re rubbish to build a wall out of.

Taurus

Ever considered speed dating? Mercury really likes the idea. It’s like normal dating but much, much quicker. Kind of the opposite to dope dating, which can take months.

Leo

Raa, Raa you are, a noisy little Lion…if anybody can get this song out of my head I’ll buy them a digereedoo, says one of the more angry moons of Jupiter. (offer valid until these brackets are closed, offer has no cash value, you statutory rights have not only been affected but repeatedly punched and buried in the garden).

Libra

Well you oughta! But you didn’t, did you? You shoulda, woulda and coulda, but you didn’t. Beverley Knight has been there and done that. She may have the name of a good shrink.

Pisces

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune and Uranus are all on your side. Pluto however isn’t. But what do you care, Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore. Let’s all point in its generally direction and laugh.

If it’s your birthday

I don’t know, you decide something, it’s not like I ever get invited anyway. What? I’m just a nameless collection of words on a page, spouting vague nonsense, so pretty difficult to invite to a party. That’s a good point. Oh I hope you have a good ‘un. Check under the cake for land mines, I have no reason to think there will be one, but you can’t be too careful.

Scorpio

Follow your dream, become a formula one driver. You’ll rarely look back.

Sagittarius

A bit of exercise and a calorie controlled diet and you’ll soon turn back the clock. Rather helpful so that you don’t have to spend the winter months an hour ahead of everyone else.

Virgo

The trick is to stay very, very quiet. For hours. For days. Forever. Or at least while I watch the end of this episode of Columbo.

Aquarius

Death, decay, destruction. It’s all doom and gloom. Why not turn off Eastenders and have a  nice sandwich instead.

Gemini

Saturn is spinning wildly through your chart suggesting you are going to have an absolutely catastrophic week. Do not do anything risky like going to an adventure park, visiting the zoo, crossing the road, looking at someone funny or breathing. Just take the necessary breaths. One in five should cover it.

Aries

Ok, so Mars is empowering you and finally you rule the roost! Perhaps now you’ll stop living in the chicken house and get a job.

Taurus

Venus suggests that maybe you need a new gadget. Why not get a soft drive. They’re just like hard drives with two main differences. Firstly they bend and secondly, instead of storing data, you use them to hold your trousers up.

Capricorn

Every single one of the planets is taking a big interest in you this week, several have even put money on you. You can’t hide from them so why not just take the plunge. I’m sure Jupiter is more than happy to see you in the shower.

Leo

Roar. Door. Floor. These words all rhyme. Important information.

Libra

Mercury suggests this week would be a great time to install a catflap! If you don’t have a cat this isn’t really a whole lot of help to you though.

Cancer

Pluto is sulking and won’t tell me where he has hidden your chart. I’m sure there was either carnage, death and destruction on it or a lottery win and a successful run in a tiddly winks tournament. Can’t remember which though. May be worth taking up the winks, pronto.

Pisces

Ever the planet of sage counsel here is some advice on moving house from Neptune; Before you leave your house for the last time make sure you’ve got another one to move into. Cheers, Neptune.

If it’s your birthday

Why not invite that wonderful guy that does the horoscopes? He doesn’t have to come in, looking through the window longingly would be fine, he’d probably like that. Maybe even post him some cake through the letterbox. Just a little bit.

Scorpio

Just stop whatever you are doing and breathe in the air. You are one of God’s most beautiful creations and should enjoy the fact. Unless you’re a bloke, in which case fart then go watch the football.

Virgo

You always use that same mug and sit in that same seat. Why not make a change; sit in your mug and pour coffee all over your chair. People may look at you funny but at least this time you’ll know why.

Sagittarius

Unfortunately your star sign has been temporarily closed due to lack of interest. This does not effect your statutory rights.

Aries

Rock on.

Aquarius

Saturn is wandering around in your Feng Shui aura, pointing at stuff and tutting. If you move the chest of drawers left a bit, the bed over to the other wall and the wardrobe into the gap you won’t be able to get into your bedroom anymore and will have to sell the house. Just a word of warning.

Libra

Just paint the whole thing pink. All of it, even that bit there. Go on, Venus says you should and Venus knows all about interior decoration, nothing wrong with a pink men’s toilet.

Cancer

Jupiter says you’ve had its lawn mower for over three years now and could it please have it back. What? No grass? Well, yeah, but it’s the principal of the thing.

Leo

Say no to strangers, say no, no, no, no, no. Say no to strangers wherever you may go. This may not be the most sound advice when it comes to job interviews or blind dates.

Taurus

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless you’re diabetic.

Capricorn

Mars hears you’ve been complaining about tiny things. Why not live off just corn on the cob for a month, that’ll give you something real to complain about.

Pisces

Due to Mercury’s effect this week you are just like a pop tart; hot, hot, hot! You’re also strawberry flavoured and fit into a toaster, which is odd.

Gemini

Sex and drugs and rock and roll. Not really things that have entered your world are they? Why not put down your thermos flask and have some fun. What? Yeah, ok, you can finish your knitting first.

If it is your birthday

From now on assume that eventually everything you want to happen will at some time happen and everything you want to get you’ll at some time get. That way you’ll go through life elated and when it proves not to be the case you’ll be dead anyhow.