Comedy Gardening blogFunnier than toothache, guaranteed

I have recently purchased an ipad and therefore this may be a rather short update as I have other, far more important, things to do; killing helmet wearing pigs, drawing things badly and sending them to my friends and creating songs without the need for any talent whatsoever. But I shall try to drag myself away from these duties long enough to string some words together in a relatively orderly fashion.

The original plan for the garden was conceived before Willow was, or at least before she officially arrived on the scene. The self propelled scream machine has been around for a while now and I’ve grown rather fond of her so we have decided to change the garden plans. The problem is that the area we have designated for lawn, and therefore the area in which Willow would be playing in a cute and sensible manner as stated in the father daughter contract, gets no sun whatsoever which seems rather mean. Therefore here is the new plan:

Looks a little more haphazard, which goes against my preferred layout but I think we can pull it off and I’m sure Wilbo will stay in the grassed area and not in any way trample the deep beds. Believe that? I don’t.

 Our second most exciting purchase, after the ipad, was a petrol lawnmower. Anyone who has been reading this blog will know that my lawnmower and I did not get on but were forced into an uneasy coalition to attempt to complete a job that had to be done. I called it Cameron. The cuts it produced were either virtually non-existent or ground manglingly ridiculous. As I said, I called it Cameron. When the lawn starting growing this year I no longer had the heart for the battle and so invested in a new, well, second hand, grass control machine and it is a revelation. Now I look forward to mowing the lawn, as any English male should, and the final product is more like Lords than Lord of the rings. (I’m not entirely happy with that simile, but I think there must have been some unkempt land in the film, almost definitely being walked across in a boring manner by someone with hairy feet. Eleven hours? Really?) 3 hours of swearing and physical labour with a disappointing outcome has been replaced with ten minutes of bliss and a near perfect outcome every time. I’ve heard marriage can have a very similar effect.

Now to someone else’s garden entirely. The rather lovely Sian (I realise there should be a strange squibblybop line thingy above the a of Sian, but my keyboard does not seem to have an ‘a with a strange squibblybop line above it’ key , but you know who I mean) and her wonderful, ball gravity defying boyf, Sam have started a big garden project of their own which can be followed imageagraphically on that there Facebook. Here be the link:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150633730888925.392057.598273924&type=1

I don’t really know what will happen if non Sian chums click on that link, I also don’t think that’s my problem. So ner.

 Inside the house I have decided to attempt something slightly more like carpentry than the hammering on of skirting boards. Not a lot more like carpentry, basically using screws instead of nails, but still a bit more so. I am building a cupboard into a dining room alcove. Here it is so far, being modelled by Henry the hoover:

As you can see all I have left to do is paint it, attempt to fit doors only to find out the whole thing is wonky and they won’t fit and then go to the pub in a sulk. I’m quite looking forward to that.

 Now, here’s what Mum has provided:

 Nothing. The lazy matriarch is too busy working her fingers to the bone down her new allotment to write anything. Yeah, I know, priorities askew. Typical of the O.A.Ps of today.

Well, that’s about it for this week… No, wait, that is it, no about required.

 Next week we’ll be in my birthday month. Guaranteed.

Oh, if anyone can tell me why some sentences in this appear to be in a different font, or font size, I sure would like to know because I jolly well didn’t do it.

Not it isn't it's just annoying

Ironically (actually ironically and not ‘Alanis Ironically’ which basically boils down to ‘annoyingly’) after giving in last week and admitting that this blog isn’t really very gardening related I have this week done some actual, bone fide gardening. I mean the real deal; digging and getting muddy and planting growy stuff and everything, and all on my lonesome too, not a mother in sight or indeed on site. This week I planted a whole gang, or pile, or kerfuffle or whatever the plural is of onions, and during this planting something rather special happened. Some people wouldn’t think it so but others, the ones that think like me, will agree fully with the majesty of it. This is what happened.

The story starts two weeks ago when mum bought the onions sets to plant, for those not in the know when it comes to all things Allium sets are just the individual onions bulbs. When she bought said sets she was unaware of the area in which they would be planted and basically had a guess at how many we would need, arriving at our house with a few handfuls. Fast forward to today and planting time. I still didn’t know how many sets there were and simply dug an area of deep bed about foot foot across and eight or so foot long (I say ‘simply’, anyone that has dug a deep bed properly will know that there is nothing simple about it). I then planted the sets around six inches apart in rows across the newly dug area, nice straight rows obviously, gardening’s just no fun if there aren’t straight rows involved. It was at the end of this planting that I realised what magic had happened, to put not to fine a point on it even Harry Potter would have proud of this outcome; there was exactly the right number of sets. I didn’t fiddle it or space them out further to make it work or anything. There were spot on the right number. The bed was full, the onion set holding device was empty. Perfection. I love it when that kind of thing happens like when your windscreen wipers go at exactly the same beat as the song on the radio or the door opens JUST passed your newly positioned sofa.. If this occurrence doesn’t all but prove Brian Greene’s parallel universe theory nothing will.

 After around a six month wait filled with mishap and woe the glass 3D jigsaw in my garden is finally complete; The greenhouse has a full complement of glass squares and has been realigned after the corner of it sank. It even has stuff planted in it again as well as a rapidly growing crop of homemade newspaper logs, drying ready for next year. I so far haven’t tested any and intend to make many more before next winter so I do hope they actually work, otherwise I may have to build a very rubbish and short lived shed out of the blighters.

 There’s no words from mum this time as she has been too busy on her allotment to write any so I will leave you with a piece of advice of my own:

 When buying a whopping great board of MDF from your local DIY store measure the opening to the boot of your car BEFORE making your purchase, otherwise you may end up pushing a trolley containing said sheet around your local neighbourhood for the next hour or so. You have been warned.

Next week, guaranteed.

Right, to recap.

This blog was supposed to be about my ongoing attempt to achieve this:

So far I have achieved this:

But have spent a lot more of my time trying to fix the inside of this, which was not in the original remit:

Whilst trying to help maintain this:

Thus this blog has been more about DIY and Sprogs than gardening, which is, as established above, what it was supposed to about in this first place. I apologise for misleading y’all  and hereby announce that this is not only a gardening blog but also a DIY/Sprog maintenance one as well. However the overriding premise, me attempting to do something I have very little knowledge about, remains and is  if anything, heightened.

All ready to carry on? Good.

This week I have been mostly driving to the tip. The front garden has been, up until now, almost entirely ignored, like an X factor winner two weeks after the series has ended. After all it’s only the bit of our estate that everyone else sees and passes judgement on us from viewing, so nothing really important. Anyhow, it is ‘mainly laid to lawn’ which means it has been left to its own devices and as such has become muddy in the winter from us traipsing in and out of the front door which has forced me into doing something about it. I leapt into action and from that moment on stopped parking the car on it and instead left it next to the kerb just outside our house. Far less mud now ensues, problem solved. Riding on the sea of adrenaline this massive success provided I also removed the whopping great big Buddleia that could also be found out front and was threatening to engulf us all. Furthermore I also smashed up the remainder of the garden path the previous occupant had begun the destruction of and transported the rubble to the tip. Busy, buzzy, bumble me (Put on a plastic headband with the matching colour support rod and bee and try to pick up marbles with the bee while fending off other players). Mum has even planted some Bluebell bulbs out there somewhere which should look pretty, wherever they sprout from.

Back garden wise we have collected the fruits of our, well mostly mum’s, labour. You can leave the stuff in the ground until you need it and that is the more sensible option but I wanted a harvest, so a harvest we had.

 Beetroot, Curly Kale (which I thought was probably some kind of superhero until mum wandered into the house with a trugful), Carrots, Parsnips and Brussels Sprouts, this was just the remainder of our produce as we have eaten a fair amount throughout the year. Considering that fact and the fact that we used very little of the garden for growing this year it shows how much we will be able to grow once the garden and house are in some kind of order and we can concentrate on having a good old dig. I look forward to it, and not only because it means my gardening blog will actually contain some gardening.

Inside the house, remember DIY blog as well now, I have smashed a hole in one wall and filled a hole in another. Not sure if that puts me up on the deal or not. It does mean we now have access to the understairs cupboard from a slightly different direction, well they do say a change is as good as a rest, although not very often to marathon runners. The hole filled in was in the kitchen and as it was the only access to reading the meters was preventing me from placing the fridge freezer where it was needed, possibly even destined, to be. I couldn’t allow such a travesty to happen and so found somewhere else to smash a hole to give access to the meters allowing me to close up this one. If you imagine my house to be a fantasy universe, the existing hole to be a wormhole from an unrelenting hell dimension and the other hole to be the entrance to some kind of multi Hendricks containing wonderland you may find it easier to understand. Or I could just put up these two pictures:

Before hole filled in. (I did have better pictures available but chose this one as i rather like the way the drill is helpfully pointing out the offending hole):

After hole filled in:

The hole I have been building, if you can build a hole, is in the hall but as yet unfinished so I shall save that for next time. Bet that’s got you salivating at the thought of my next set of words.

I have also started on the skirting board again, Not in a ‘you looking at my pint? Want to take this outside?’ Kind of way, because that would be ridiculous, but in a getting on with laying it kind of way. I have taken massive advantage of Mr Harley’s generous loan of a mitre saw by keeping it for over six months so thought it best if I sort the skirting and give it back, before I lose a friend. Then again if I did lose a friend at least I’d gain a saw…

With the hole in the kitchen now filled, and the skirting board nearly done my kitchen is all but complete, but I do have a dilemma:

The above picture shows the remaining piece of shoddy wall, I have two options:

Skirting board this bit also, matching it to the wall opposite or plaster it down to the floor and paint.

I am inclined to do the second option, so that it looks separate to the dining room, which has skirting board. However the rest of the people I have asked seem to think I’m a plank for even thinking it and Skirting is the way forward. So, over to you my loyal reader (s?) Whadda ya reckon? Do you like a bit of skirt or prefer to get plastered?

I have decided to attempt something a little more carpentery and build a ceiling to floor doored cupboard in one of the alcoves in the dining room. Having never done such a thing before I realised the importance of forward planning and meticulously planned said cupboard on paper first:

I think you’ll agree that I cannot fail to create the cupboard equivalent of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon for both beauty and practicality.

Ok, now two important facts before I hand over to mum:

1.  Duncan has a massive bulb, this is something I think everyone should know.

2.  This is what Willow would look like if you replaced her legs with wheels.

Over to Mum.

The Work Starts Here

If you’ve got a propagator or a sunny window sill you could sow some onion seeds now. You will need a seed tray, some compost and, of course, some seeds. Three quarter fill the seed tray with compost, level it out and sow the seeds thinly over the compost. Give them a gentle water then cover with about a quarter inch of compost. Firm down with a block of wood so the seeds are in contact with the compost. Don’t water too much as the air is still quite damp. You can also sow shallots and leeks though the leeks will need to be sown in a pot so there is plenty of room for the roots to grow down.

Not ordered your seeds yet? Well dig out those seed catalogues, pour a glass of that home made wine, settle down in a chair out of the cold and start your list. It helps to write a list of what you want to grow this season, Its’ no good growing what you won’t eat because its a waste of space, energy, money and ultimately a crop unless you’ve got a rabbit to eat it for you. At least you’ll get some decent manure as an end product.

Make sure you open the door and window of the greenhouse on mild days so the air can circulate helping prevent rot on your plants. Another thing to remember is to keep feeding the birds. They have come to rely on you now they know where the food and water is.

As the weather was mild last week I dug an asparagus bed on the allotment, It’s worth growing a luxury crop if you’ve got room, so much more satisfying than finding it reduced at the supermarket. I’m planting all my crops in deep beds on the allotment, it’ll be A lot of work but only this year as once dug they are never walked on so only need weeding and a light digging over and lots of manure. For the asparagus I dug out a trench 4 foot wide, one spit deep and one spit wide. The next job is to sink the fork into the subsoil and loosen it by wiggling the fork. Put in a layer of manure and cover with half the excavated soil put in another layer of manure and cover with the rest of the soil. That’s one spit done now I can put the soil from the next trench onto the one before and repeat the subsoil wiggling and manure layering. This is how a deep bed is dug. It is worth all the effort as the crops can be grown closer together as the roots can go down instead of out. Plants grown closer together also block out the light so weeds are not so prolific. As the deep beds are all the same width it’s easy to make cloches and anti-pest guards to put over the beds. Oh well only 7/8th’s of the allotment to deep dig.

Fred

Well that’s that, apologies for the long wait for an update, I simply have been far, far too lazy to write it. Hey, even us hard working blog writers need a rest; raw to the bone my fingers were, raw to the bone. No surprise as I have just noticed that this update ticks this blog over the 20,000 word mark. Not bad for a load of waffle and tripe. Waffle and tripe, a reasonable mixture for a blog, a bad mixture for breakfast. Cool beans.

Next time (notice I’ve changed that to ‘time’ from ‘week’) Words, guaranteed.

Welcome to 2012, the Chinese year of my garden. Ok, so I made that up, and it didn’t make any sense anyhow but the sentiment was there. This year my garden will come into its own, bearing fruit like nothing else, all I have to do is finish my house before the real gardening kicks in. According to my detailed spreadsheet I have completed approximately 43.346% of my current house repair tasks. We moved in at the start of April which means I have completed said 43.346% within nine months. By my calculations I reckon that means I will be completed by about next September. This, however, isn’t early enough so I am going to assume bad maths and say I’ll be mostly finished in time to do the garden proper. I have to, otherwise I may cry.

It is over a month since my last blog update and as you can imagine an absolute multitude of days that didn’t contain anything interesting to write about have passed. It is a bad sign when the most interesting thing you have achieved lately is killing a quite cute mouse. The humane trap we purchased for a considerable about of cash had proven completely rubbish at mouse catching, in fact all it achieved was a little bruise on my toe from tripping over it. Actually, that is not quite true, it also gave us a feeling of ‘oh well we tried the nice way’ so we didn’t feel quite so bad about using the traditional squash ‘em to bits trap. This trap was considerably more successful and a couple of days later the rogue mouse was no more, it felt rather weird to have killed this one when Hannah has two very similar pet ones that we deliberately keep alive, it felt not dissimilar to the Daily Mail’s attitude towards immigration. Strange indeed, but hey, that’s life. Or isn’t, depending on which mouse you’re looking at. We gave the victim to the chickens, but they didn’t eat it. Less circle of life, more flat lack of life.

To continue on a squishing theme, log making using water, newspaper and, well, squishing has begun in earnest with almost twenty of the blighters in different states of dryness dotted around the house, unfortunately we as yet have been unable to install the log burner because a: we haven’t got one and b: we can’t afford to pay a HETA registered mofo to install it, or at least sign off my work if I do. Instead I have filled the chimney with loft insulation. I did however find the time to hit our fireplace surround with a big hammer until most of it fell off, we now have a big hole in the chimney, around 4 foot across by three foot high which is where the original fireplace opening was. It’ll look jolly nice when finished, currently it looks like someone has attacked the wall with a big hammer then hung a rug over it, because that is exactly what someone has done. In my defence, Hannah told me to.

Sticking with the sitting room we have also managed to rearrange it so that the massive TV stand (As featured on an episode of Midsomer Murders) I bought by mistake is actually of some use. Hannah’s sister Poppy rather generously gave me an XBOX 360 for Christmas so we decided to bring the big monstrosity that is the TV cabinet I bought by mistake into play, filling it with all the consoles, DVD players, video machines and Cylons we could find. (that last one isn’t true). Furthermore mum gave me her old computer which is now also within the tv cabinet as a media centre, allowing us to watch stuff on the likes of BBC i player, channel 4 Overdose and ITV stuff you’ve missed or whatever the hell they’re called. This is rather handy for a none TV licence and none TV aeriel owning person such as I as it means I can stick Waybuloo on occasionally to keep Willow quiet, or stick made in Chelsea on to keep Hannah quiet. Happy days. Oh, that reminds me, mouse mangling is not the coolest thing I have done this month, using an app to make my phone into a remote to control the PC is. Well I think so anyway. The App is called remotedroid and it rocks. You heard it hear first, probably.

Ok, this is supposed to be a gardening blog, so mentioning the garden is pretty much a requirement. Garlic has been planted, a small gutter has been put up for the water that drains off of the flat roof and the wind has, about 10 minutes ago, blown the door off the greenhouse breaking all the glass contained within it in the process. Basically this month I think I am in negative equity as far as gardening is concerned. The wind is also rattling some rather dodgy fences at the bottom of the garden too, I’m surprised they’re out selling stolen goods in this weather.

Christmas also happened recently, you probably noticed, however I spent most of it ill so I’m not talking about it.

Finally the useful bit, go for it mum.

Hey It’s Good News…

…We’ve got our allotment. It has got two apple trees and four blackcurrant bushes which I have been reliably informed are very productive. MMMM blackcurrant wine. I’ll give them a little prune to tidy them up. Other than that it is bare, except for the weeds that is. I’ve managed to dig a deep bed for the garlic and shallots. Oscar my grandson and I also planted three roots of rhubarb; Two Timperly early and one Champagne.

The frosts and cold weather have started, I’m glad I bubble wrapped the greenhouse and put all my tender plants inside. The plus side of the frost is it sweetens the parsnips and gives the leeks and sprouts some extra flavour.

I had Jerusalem artichoke chips with my dinner last night. They were very tasty and crispy. I first scubbed the artichokes and leaving the skin on cut them into thick chips. These I cooked on high in the microwave for three minutes. Then I dropped them into hot oil and fried till crispy.

Our mini duo fruit trees arrived last week, now is a good time to plant them while they are dormant. Dig a big hole and incorporate some compost with the removed soil. The tree should be planted to just below the graft. Shovel in the soil to half way. Give the tree a gentle shake so the soil settles between the roots. F ill the rest of the hole in. Firm down and water well, the trees will need a stake to prevent wind rock and help them get established.

Other fruit can be planted now too. Raspberries,blackcurrants,gooseberries etc. All the bush berries really. Strawberries were planted out in about August, September time when the runners have rooted and the ground is still warm. Some strawberry plants could be potted up now and put in the greenhouse for an early crop next year.

The birds will have eaten the seeds off the Buddlea by now so it can be cut down quite low to the ground and it will grow back next spring.

Some of the spring bulbs are starting to poke through the soil. I actually saw on my walk with Penny ( my dog ) round the village some Narcissi with flower buds on. Amazing.

Fred

Well, that’s it then. The blog is back and as uneventful as it has ever been. Next week it will still be 2012, guaranteed.

Oh and by the way it goes: Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Everything else is wrong.

Kitchen blind is up! Kitchen blind is up! I wish you could all ‘see’ it. This was unexpected as it was rather low on the priority list and then for no known reason it got a promotion and it’s up, like a secretary with a low cut top and ‘friendly ‘ demeanor. Along with the ‘stick and run’ draught excluding gubbins stuck around every available dodgy door frame and the improvised  double glazing repair in Willow’s room this may bump us up a level on the economy graph. Happy times.

Beverley legend Jethro has been round and given the chimney a good scrub, as well as providing some much needed advice. To be honest, even if you haven’t got a chimney it’s worth booking him in anyway, just for a chat and a fridge magnet. He might even let you have a look at his Galaxy Tab if you’re lucky, which he uses as a telephone. Yup, I was as surprised as you ought to be.

The lazy ass chickens in the garden have finally come of age and started egg launching on a regular basis meaning omelettes once a week from now on in, which is no bad thing. I’m sure they’ve got a bit more swagger in their strut, although I may well walk funny if I was laying an egg once every twenty five hours.

Garden wise things are still growing, Parsnips and Beetroot among other things. It feels like we planted the Parsnips about seven years ago, you may remember Hannah washing up over them many moons ago, they’d better be good when we can finally pick them. Not before the first frost though as apparently it either causes the end of the world or the parsnips to not be quite as nice. Can’t remember which.

We had roast artichokes with our roast for the first time. I was dubious but they proved to be most tasty. Go artichokes. More on those below…

so, dah, nah, nah, nah… nah, nah, nah…nah, nah, nah Mother time.

Keep occupied in November

I think I’ll start with artichokes, Jerusalem artichokes that is. Now the flowers have finished you can start digging them up for the kitchen, you may have noticed the flowers are like small sunflowers, that’s because they are related to the sunflower but they are perennial (Come up each year),You’ll have to search the recipe books for things to do with them. You can roast them, make soup or create a side dish like an artichoke crunch with leek, cabbage and sage.I know there is a wind issue here but apparently only half of people suffer, I read that it’s a carbohydrate we can’t digest that causes the problem, dare you take the risk?

You can also start to plant the artichoke tubers, they are usually in the garden centres round about now. They are Fusili Artichokes. But you must remember they are very prolific so plant them in a corner somewhere. They come up year after year so you don’t have to replant each year and even a tiny piece of tuber left in the ground will grow.

Globe artichokes are ready now as well but this time it is the flower heads that you eat. The Globe Artichokes I grew from seed last year aren’t ready to eat this year so I don’t know any recipes. I think a dip is involved and certainly the heart of the flower, mind you the flowers are quite a sight with their purple fronds and pineapple looking heads so you may be laoth to eat them. Some people choose to grow globe artichokes in the herbaceous border because even the plant is quite a sight.

Talking of herbaceous borders they could do with a good clean up now. Finished plants like phlox and Penstimon, Valerian and Jacob’s ladder should be cut right down and you will see next year’s growth at the base of the plant. Irises should have the leaves cut down to a third and if necessary dug up and regrouped. The new growth grows on the end of the Rhizome so the old bit can be cut off and just the new bit replanted. That should keep you busy this week.

Fred

So there you have it. I will be taking a seasonal break from the blog  as very little is likely to be happening, so have a good christmas all and see you in the new Year. It is going to be the Collins year of the garden. Oh yes.

A slinkereedoo, or something.

I got it out! I had to borrow two very large ladders and spend some time tied on the roof with a rope but I managed to remove the chimney liner, it is now lying in my garden like the child of a slinky and a didgereedoo and, as so often happens with the offspring off two talented people, is useful as neither. You see, when we moved into this here gaff it came with a hideous 80s style gas fire which we had ceremonially removed and destroyed in a controlled explosion just outside whopping. We intend to install a log burner but this meant we had to remove the old ‘gas fire’ style chimney liner and replace it with a log burner one as the log burner one is more heat resistant. Why they can’t just use the one that is most heat resistant for everything I don’t know, don’t wish to spoil the fun for people like me I suppose. So thank you to Chris Harley and Kelsa Morgan and Graham Haigh and Becky Kissick for the lendership (is that a word) of ladders. May God send you a nice fluffy rabbit, or something.

Bertie Beetroot, known formally as Willow, had her first birthday last week. Presents were opened very slowly and cake, provided by my sister Meredith, was happily munched. Many, many birthday cards were also received, it is amazing how much more popular you are when you’re young and cute. I am neither of these and for my birthday I think I got about three.

In the garden the peas have finished and been dug up and the deep bed will soon be used for garlic. All this I have been told by mum who, yet again, is that one that has done the work. I have been far too busy, although I can’t quite remember what doing and the NCIS boxset is looking at me sheepishly from the bookcase.

Our ‘point of lay chickens’ as yet have not laid a single egg. Maybe they don’t know the ‘point of laying’. You see what I did there? Clever, huh? No? No.

Did anyone see X-factor last week? Yes? Gutted for you. Fortunately I didn’t. It is a little worrying that so much of the nation spends its spare time watching other people with little talent on their TVs as opposed to spending time on their own abilities.

Hannah, my ever suffering ‘not quite’ spouse has entered whichever century it is we are now in with the purchase of her very first smartphone, we now need not have conversation ever again. Good times and you can tell her I said that. Via text, or Facebook, or Twitter, or IM, or email…

Anyway, enough waffle. Basically, nowt has happened. Over to Freda ‘Gardening Guru’ Gerrans, Mum for short.

A Fruity Time

What a wonderful show of autumn colour we have this year. A walk in the woods or over the fields reveals many different varieties of fungi;. mushrooms, blewits, shaggy ink caps and earthstars to name a few.

From now until about late February you can plant fruit bushes and trees; with grape vines, blackcurrant, redcurrant, whitecurrant, gooseberries, blackberries, raspberries, cranberrys, blueberries there are plenty to choose from and as for trees, well, apples, pears, plums, damsons, mulberry, medlars. You could also try peaches, apricots, kiwi fruits (make sure you get a self fertile type or you will need to have a male plant as well as female plants) and figs, oh and don`t forget nuts. All of the above need plenty of space in which to grow although Figs should have their roots confined, perhaps in a big pot, if they are planted straight into the ground they make a lot of growth and no fruit (Maybe that’s what I need to do with these chickens – Ed).

All of the bush fruits can be pruned now, old raspberry canes cut to the ground and the new canes tied in to fruit next year. The fruit bushes should have dead and unproductive branches cut out and the middle opened up, although most of the bushes fruit on last year’s growth so don`t cut the branches too short. If you are finding it difficult to motivate yourself towards growing fruit, here`s a cider recipe, nothing better than alcohol to spur you on during a drizzly winter’s day.

Fred’s ‘don’t even think about walking backwards afterwards’ cider recipe

12 lbs of apples chopped small in the food processor.

Put them in a beer bucket or appropriate container.

2 gallons of water is next, add all the water except 2 pints to the apples. Put the 2 pints in a large saucepan and add 2 lbs of sugar.

Slowly heat the water to melt the sugar, when the sugar has melted add this mixture to the apples. You can either rely on the natural yeast in the apples or add half a teaspoon of wine yeast. Stir the ingredients together and put in a warm place to ferment.

Stir every day and fermentation should be finished in about 14 days. Strain the liquid off the apples and pour in a beer barrel or very strong glass bottles.

Cheers, Fred

And finally, I spent last evening playing heroquest. I was the wizard who’s basic role appears to be hiding at the back making bad suggestions. I have to say I excelled.

Next week, is the one after this. Guaranteed.

Clear as mud

I’ve been doing these for a while now so I think I am entitled to start with a whinge about something entirely un-gardening related. Anyone mind? No? Good.

Trivial Pursuit on the Wii. That should be easy enough, basically make the board game but without having to bother with the board. To be honest, they’ve done a good job except for in one key area. The key area. The whole point of the game; The questions. The difficulty is about right and there’s no problem with repetition, But… YOU CAN’T FOOKING READ THE BLOODY THINGS! The writing is sooooooo small. Such a ridiculous oversight, especially as the rest of the game is pretty much perfect. It’s like carefully designing the world’s most impregnable castle, then building it out of jelly. With custard doors. Silly gits.

Anyway, my achievements this week: 3 holes.

If I were a teenage boy that might sound like something worth celebrating, unfortunately in this case they are the three holes to hold up one side of a curtain rail. This will be the seventh and final one of the little blighters I’ve put up and I’m rather looking forward to getting it done. The problem is that drilling is rather a loud affair and by the time I’ve got back from work and spent some time with the sprogenstein it’s her bedtime, so no drilly, drilly, allowed. Furthermore we were dahhnnnn sahfffff seeing Hannah’s folks at the weekend so I couldn’t do it then. So the curtains in the dining room now ‘hang’ at a 45 degree angle. I might even leave them like that, it’s probably retro or something.

One of the chicken’s dangly weird bit on the top of its head, comb for you intellectual types, is rather red which means it will begin laying soon. About time, it’s been living in my garden in a newly built home, rent free, for far too long now. Much longer and I’m unplugging the TV in there, they spend too much time watching chicken run for my liking anyway.

I now know the secret to making the best roast dinner; It’s not what you know it’s who you know. You can’t go far wrong with a mother who’s an expert gardener and a father in law that rears his own pigs. Crackling to die for, I’ll tell ya.

And now…it’s the mum bit:

Everything is dropping

My wine has cleared nicely – it’s made from fruit from the garden- so I’ve started to bottle it. (Faced with you wine, I generally bottle it too, mum-ED) I got 5 bottles of blackcurrant and five bottles of raspberry. The raspberry is very dry but we should be able to sample it at Christmas time. I’ve run out of bottles so the other four Demi-Johns will have to wait.

The leaves have started to fall so if you haven’t got one then building a leaf composter is a good idea, you can make one with just four posts and some chicken wire. Hammer the posts in the ground in a square wrap the chicken wire round them to form an open topped composter and its easy to deposit raked up leaves in the top and they don’t blow away. It’s best keeping them out of your normal compost heap as It generally takes 2 years for them to rot down but it’s lovely stuff when its done. On the subject of leaves it is good practice to put a net over the pond to stop the leaves going in the water, rotting leaves in a pond is not good. Plastic bird netting is fine for this.

Keep tidying the perennial bed by cutting down the spent flowering stems. Now is also good time to divide old clumps of perennials; dig up the whole root, divide with a spade or two forks and all the bits of divided root can be replanted where you want. You can fill in any gaps in the herbacious border or start a new one. You can also take cuttings of bay and lavender now, plant them in pots of sand and put them in the cold-frame to root over winter.

Artist's impression.*

Now is a great time to go for a walk in the woods; The chestnuts are ready-as, are the conkers you kids, and so are the hazelnuts if the squirrels have left you any. Lots of apples and crab apples too, mmm crab apple jelly. (serve cold from the fridge – it’s best when it’s still nippy – Ed)

Guess what’s in the garden centres now? Yes, wallflowers. Empty the rest of your pots and plant them up with wallflowers, you’ll be glad you did in the spring. Put some in the empty spaces in the garden as well.

I expect some of your hens are moulting at the moment and so are not laying. Make sure they have good nutritious food to help grow new feathers and get back into lay. A lot of the small bantam breeds don’t come back into lay till the spring anyway then they lay a clutch of eggs then sit on them. The only problem is they are very clever at hiding away for the 21 days and turning up with a lusty brood of chicks. (Rather like me in my youth – Ed)

Happy conkering kids.

Fred.

Finally, my house in full of tiny little black rubber balls, one of the many sacrifices I make to wear the Yellow. That’s not finally as in ‘at last’ by the way that’s finally as in ‘this is the last bit’. Just in case you were thinking I was bonkers.

Next week: Words. Guaranteed will probably be one of them. Gastric probably won’t

Will

*No apples or crabs were harmed in the making of this blog, but I did punch a squirrel.

Hi all,

rather late this update, I’ve been jolly busy don’tcha know, a rather poor excuse I realise but so far it’s the best one I’ve come up with. Feel free to message me with any better ones you can think of. I was off work last week, hurrah, and Hannah and I had carefully prepared a big list of jobs to complete in the week. A big, rather optimistic, list. A really big stupidly optimistic list. If Hitler and Mrs Hitler had come up with this list he’d have said ‘Do you think this is a bit optimistic, love?’

The dream list:

Find the source of the smell in Willow’s room

Finish kick boards in Kitchen

Finish skirting board in kitchen/dining room

Bash a hole under the stairs

Remove liner from chimney

Build Chicken Run

Toys for assorted Willow chums becoming 1

Sort spare room so someone could actually sleep in it

Strip remaining wallpaper in hall and paint

clean out chickens

Paint chicken house

So lets go through these one by one.

The smell in Willow’s room has been driving me cat strangling bonkers. It is a slight smell of damp sawdust. I have pulled up all the floorboards and checked for leaks/damp and nada, nil, nothing. Checked in the loft, same result. No sign of any issues on the walls inside or out. Checked the plumbing into the radiator, no leaks. Like a felled tree, I’ve been stumped. The thing is who do you call? I see no smelling services in the Yellow Pages and even the internet is of little help. I think the only thing to do is bulldoze that half of the house and start again. So, we can safely say I didn’t complete that task.

The kickboards in the kitchen are still leaning happily against the wall. This is not where they are supposed to be. Failed.

For skirting board see: Kickboards.

Bash hole under the stairs. Now, this was sort of a success but in a kind of cheaty way. Instead of making the hole, I decided not to. Job done. So, completed!

Our house came fitted as standard with a massively unpleasant gas heater. Said heater has now moved out through mutual consent and is living a new life with all its other horrible gas fire friends at the scrap heap. However, removing the liner to replace it with a log burner proof one is a different box of frogs. The thing about removing the liner from a chimney is you have to do it from the top. The thing about the top of a chimney is that it’s on the roof. The thing about the roof is it’s a long way up. I made it up the ladder to the roof, grasped the rope and decided that maybe I didn’t fancy climbing up there. It’s not heights I don’t like, it’s the thought of getting smashed all to bits when I hit the ground. So attempted, but failed. On the bright side the rather wonderful Mr Harley is lending me another ladder so the first can be used to traverse the roof itself, as it has a roof hook. Happy days, coming soon.

Build a chicken run you say? Right away sir. This one we completed, proper, on time and everything. Ok, so within 2 minutes one of the chickens had hopped it over the fence but it soon saw the error of its ways and asked to be put back in. Asked to be put back in! That’s how good our run is. So good it makes chickens talk. Also, none have escaped since so I class this as a success. Here it is:

Sorry it’s such a rubbish photo, I don’t remember to take them until I do the blog. And I do the blog at night. Schoolboy error.

Project Willow is soon to reach its 1 year milestone. This means that all the other Willow chums are also turning one. This means party invites, and that means presents. We got what we needed from Toys’r'us along with a useful fact: Bob the Builder is a money grabbing little git. £20 for a small plastic digger? I don’t think so.

The spare room can now be officially classed as a spare bedroom as opposed to the place where we keep everything that hasn’t got anywhere else to go. It even has bi-directional curtains, held up with a curtain pole, replacing the bedsheet held up with a couple of hooks that it sported previously.

The hall hasn’t changed. Sorry about that.

Chickens cleaned out, yes. Hen house painted, no. Because it kept chuffin’ raining.

Most excitingly of all was my completion of a job not actually on the list. I decided to use the remaining bits of kitchen to construct a case around the boiler, and make the cupboard next to it deeper to match. And I jolly well did it! Go me. See:

So there we have it, I make that a task completion rate of around 32.34%, coincidentally exactly the same as a G.C.S.E A grade pass rate this year.

Now the actual bit that is worth reading, mum’s input.

Some Autumn Jobs

The pond is a bit full of pond weed, water soldiers and water hyacinths and there’s not much room for the fish so its best to clear it a bit now so it can settle down for the winter, but keep feeding the fish until they stop taking the food. I’m going to make a cover this year to try to keep out the cold;

We lost 3 of our 4 fish and when I cleaned it out, because it was worryingly black and dead looking, I found 8 dead frogs. We’ve got about 5 frogs back in the pond and we don’t want to lose these. I’ll make a wooden frame the size of the pond and pin 2 layers of bird net and one layer of horticultural fleece on it. When it threatens to freeze I’ll put the cover over the pond. I’ll also float a small ball on top of the water to keep a bit open to let some air in. I hope that will do the trick.

When you buy your garlic bulbs for planting break them into cloves and spread them on a tray to store till you plant them in November. The onion sets should be taken out of the bags and also spread on a tray. These will be planted in January. Also buy the broad bean seeds you are going to plant in November although I personally don’t sow my broad beans in November to overwinter; I find they bean just as early if you start them off in the greenhouse in March.

Another job is to cut down any perennials that have finished blooming for the year to start tidying the herbaceous border. That should keep you busy until next time.

Fred

So there you have it. A load of waffle for you all to read. I’m just too generous sometimes.

Next week: I hope I can get the skirting board done and the last curtain pole erected. Two jobs I don’t particularly like, probably because I’ve had to do them so much. You can stick your curtain pole right up your skirting board, or something. Erection of either item not a dead cert, however words are, as ever, guaranteed.

String 'em up I say

Only a very small blog update this week as I am proper knackered, you sure get worked hard the week before if you dare to book a week off!

We now have four chickens mooching about in the garden. We ventured into the garden quite late the other night and there was a rather strange sound emenating from the chicken house, on closer inspection we realised that one of the chickens was snoring. This is not something I’ve heard before, although I must admit I don’t put in as much time listening to sleeping chickens as maybe I should.

The most exciting thing this week was that I managed to string up my crop of onions, all proper like. They’re all different sizes so it doesn’t look great but heh, you can only work with what you’re given, still not a bad attempt from someone without a single french bone in his body.  Said onion string can be seen at the top of the blog. You probably already knew that.

Next week is a week off so hopefully I will have plenty to write about in the blog, and indeed plenty of time to write it. But for this week this is all I can manage.

I did have one of my pieces used on the front page of Newsbiscuit so I will link that here: (I’m aware of the typo in the title, it keeps me awake at night).

An excellently written satirical news piece about light bulbs

I wrote it so it still counts as words on this blog. So ner.

Fortunately mum has come up with the goods, gardening wise, which is handy what with the lack of gardening input up till now so I will pad out the rest of this blog with her words of wisdom. That should keep you going until next week.

Forking time

Sad to say it’s time to start clearing the veg patch, the courgettes have finished, the sweetcorn is in the freezer and the runner beans must come down before the wind blows them over. Mind you, I’m leaving mine a bit longer because when I went away for three weeks they went to seed and as the beans are nice and long and have a good number of seeds in them (It’s only worth keeping seeds from the long beans to ensure you get long bean producing plants from them- Darwin’s theory of evolution), I’ll leave them to dry.

Carrots can stay in the ground or you could dig them up and store them in peat (Not that I advocate using up our peat bogs)or sand. Mind you I don’t see why you can’t store them in dry soil myself, must try it. Oh remember to put them in a frost free place, no a freezer with a frost free sticker on it won’t do.

Tidy up overwintering veg; leeks, parsnips and brassicas. Stake the brassicas that need it, they don’t like loose soil round their roots and rocking in the wind won’t encourage them to produce sprouts or heads and they fall over the path and soak you when they are wet. Clear any dead leaves from under the plants to prevent pests and diseases.(I don’t have to; The ducks have eaten the lower leaves, luckily they can’t reach the sprouts). My plants are amazing this year, over 3 feet tall, but anyway enough about me, time to start thinking manure.

First dig over the empty patch and cover with manure. I have a free supply so long as I bag my own (ha ha very funny but an old joke). Remember roots, ie carrots and parsnips, don’t like fresh manure it makes their roots fork. Oh and beans and courgettes don’t like poultry manure it’s too rich in nitrogen.(Fussy lot aren’t they).

Finally I must mention spuds. If they are still in the ground get them dug up, dried for a couple hours in the sun(ha ha) and stored in paper sacks in that frost free place. Happy forking.

Fred

Next week, better words, guaranteed.

Hello all, enjoying this late bit of summer the ‘powers that be’ have tagged on the end to make up for the apology of a summer we’ve had up until now?

My Greenhouse has now been almost completely plundered of its little red and yellow treasures and mum is already eyeing up which plants to fill up the growbags with. She’s unstoppable when it comes to cultivation, the terminator of the gardening world. I know full well that when she nips off to the garden centre ‘she’ll be back’ with some extra stuff to plant, prune or weed. Potatoes, cabbages and other assorted goodies have also been harvested and most of our meals this week have featured something gleaned from our own efforts. I must say though, perfect as it was I still don’t really like cabbage. Too much effort, too little reward. Like climbing Everest just to get a free toothpick.

The compost heap is coming along very well, it is nearly half full of rotting down garden and food waste. There are not many things in life about which you can use the second half of that sentence in a positive way, ‘and the washing machine is now half full of rotting down….’ just doesn’t work. Feel free to try changing ‘compost heap’ to other worldly belongings; pants, car, child it makes for a fun game, briefly.

Hopefully the chicken run will be erected over this weekend as we are to receive two more of the feather ridden blighters. Proper big ones too. And these ones are already in egg creation mode. We’ll soon be setting sail on the good ship Omelettes, assuming we can find out where they’re laying ‘em.

Hannah has broken the ‘only useful creatures’ rule by bringing a couple of mice into the house. But they’re cute little fellas and don’t exactly eat a lot so I suppose it’s ok. They also provide manure and in a few years time we will be able to use it to re-pot a small geranium. So not a complete waste of space.

I dislike my lawn mower, like a cheap plasterer it does a bad job. It is possible this is because it isn’t designed for ruggedness of the task to which I’m putting it, but I still don’t like it. It appears to have two settings; High – only feathers the very top of the grass like Van Gogh’s brushes would have feathered the canvas. Or Low – Leave the lawn looking like it has been mortared. This may be due to it being a bad mower or to my not understanding how to set the thing properly, either way we do not get on as a functioning unit. It’ll have to go.

Recently Willow has been making sure that we get the most out of life by making us be awake for considerably more of it than we would normally be, what a caring Sprog. Thus on return from work we are generally knackered and less is getting done than we would like. I even spent a couple of nights in front of the TV (Watching DVDs, no TV licence see) which is very unlike me. The upshot of this is that I have very little to write about here, fortunately my mother has joined in on the act, so without further ado I shall pass you over to her. Get yourself comfy, grab a coffee and make sure you have a pen and paper to hand. This bit is actually useful.

Save those plants

Golly it must be nearly the end of September, time to start thinking about where you left the bubble plastic for the greenhouse.The leaves and redundant stalks and tops should have been removed from the remaining tomato plants to encourage the last of the crop to ripen. If they are in growbags and pots there are other crops you can replace them with; Spring onions, Winter lettuce and round carrots spring to mind. Later on Peas, Broad beans, french beans and spuds.

With the bubble plastic up you can hopefully save some of your favourite plants that are currently in pots, thrilling you and others everytime you walk past them; Fushia, Sollya, Geraniums etc should survive ok in a bubblewrapped greenhouse. Begonias will die back but you can save the corms – I didn’t know either – ED)

The Begonia Sempaflorens will, if you pot them up, keep flowering all winter in a warm place; Bring them indoors then in the spriing you can take lots of cuttings and save a packet (or a plug packet). The same applies for Fushias but that is later in the spring.

Also you can now sow a few sweet peas for early plants, they will grow slowly so won’t take over the greenhouse.

Anyway, now you’ve found the bubblewrap be ready to put it up in a few weeks, I’ve found you can get some special greenhouse sticky tape to fix it up instead of using those fiddly, ‘let’s all fall out’ fixings.

If my paraffin heaters still work (Haven’t used them for seven years but have kept them in good nick) I’m going to treat my plants when it’s really cold. I have a favourite Fuchia, Peggy, which will be coming indoors with me. Mind you it’ll probably be warmer in the greenhouse considering the price of fuel and me only on my pension.  (and the £20 a word I pay you for this – Ed)

Fred

So that’s it for this week. My section was a little threadbare I admit but mum’s pulled me out of the mire.

Next week: Words, guaranteed.